My enthusiasm for blogging, as well as most of my other personal goals have vanished since mid April. This is a repeating pattern in my life time and time again. Socially I have completely cut my self off. I started playing an MMO regularly again, and I don't even communicate in the game. I just soloed my way to max level, playing the game the way I autistically live my life. There, doing my own thing, surviving, but not a part of the community.
I have become a work bot, despite the fact that my work is not a pleasant place. My day is: Wake up, make the excuse to not work out, avoid housemates at all costs, go to work, suffer but function, return home making the excuse to skip the gym and skip whatever else I need to do on the way, play game and go to bed. Rinse and repeat, 6 days a week. On the seventh day I rest. Not like God, but like a sloth. No laundry, no cleaning, no exercise, no family, no friends.
Every day I am surrounded by ableism. Ableism that has always been there and that I did not see. That I cannot unsee. A female coworker I once had a crush on made a comment that she doesn't like a customer known to be autistic. The exact conversation as follows.
Coworker: "I don't like her, she won't make eye contact with me"
Boss: "Its a part of her disease"
I want to scream, but I need my job. My coworkers, my only human contact at this point in my life hate me and they don't even know it. The world hates me because its been taught to. The hatred is everywhere. The fear is everywhere. This crap is everywhere.
I see it in parks, on peoples lawns, at highway access ramps, on bumpers. It's always been there. My coworkers are ableist, my family is ableist, most of the humans I come in contact with are ableist. And because I am presumed weird but neurotypical, because I hide so well, I am expected to participate in the ableism. My kindness and patience towards people who are neurologically different as of late has been noted and critiqued.
I am alone. And I find it harder and harder to do what I need to do to survive every day. I have always found it hard. I cling to the belief that I will shake it off. Just like I tried to shake off flu like symptoms 7 years ago and wound up on life support. Just like I tried to shake off a large unhealing wound on my leg for a year and wound up on disability for 3 months.
I can't shake this off. I don't know how many more "shake offs" I will survive. I could use friends right now. Ones that don't require a neurotypical performance. I've never said that before. I've always insisted that I need no one.