Amendment I - Congress shall make no law prohibiting the freedom to write in a diary, and to keep such diary in a safe or stored under a mattress. All electronic communication and public speech shall be monitored, edited, removed, and seized at the leisure of and for the use of Congress or any registered incorporated entity. Congress shall make no effort to approve a permit to peacefully assemble and shall dismiss all petitions to the Government for a redress of grievances, especially from change.org.
Amendment II - A well regulated militia, no longer being necessary for the security of this utopian State, the right of the people to keep and bear water based arms (super soakers and balloons) and plastic cutlery for the use of nutritional intake shall not be infringed. All obsolete arms and metal kitchen utensils shall be seized.
Amendment III - No Soldier shall in time of peace receive pay or medical benefits for injury inflicted in time of war.
Amendment IV -The right of law enforcement to be secure in their seizure of persons, houses, papers, effects and electronic devices and communications, and to search and seize for any reason, shall not be violated, Warrant shall be issued, for any cause, supported by oath or affirmation via text message or Twitter from a Judge of the Law, paralegal under employment or any spouse or child or person with access to the electronic communication of the Judge, and not particularly describing anything specific.
Example: Officer: @Judge OMG i c ppl flapping in store
Judge: @Officer WTF?!?
Legal Warrant and permission to use force granted.
Amendment V - No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a mass media organization (CNN, Fox, Viacom, Time Warner, Disney), except in cases arising in the land or naval forces where they will be held indefinitely without trial or publicity. Any person shall be put in jeopardy of loss of life and limb repeatedly by mass media until found guilty in a Court of Law. Life, liberty and property may be taken with no process of law. Private property shall be taken for public use (such as cell towers and parking lots) with no compensation.
Amendment VI - In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy free food, digital cable, broadband internet and conjugal visits during their delayed and publically televised trial, by a racially and gender biased Jury of the State in a financially privileged district in the somewhat general vicinity of where the crime was committed, to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for eliminating or bribing witnesses to his favor; to have public Counsel file his guilty plea for him should he be unable to afford private Counsel.
Amendment VII - In suits of common law, where the value in controversy exceeds twenty dollars, the right to trial by jury shall be preserved, and no judgement rewarded by jury shall ever be paid, as the defendant enjoys his right to unlimited appeals, rescheduling and bankruptcy protection.
Amendment VIII - Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted on any citizen of high public regard, with personal wealth exceeding one million dollars and or having been granted a celebrity reputation by mass media.
Amendment IX - The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be
construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people as much as possible.
Amendment X - The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for local law enforcement respectively, or to the media.