Monday, June 17, 2013

Fun with Fabricated Data!

Trigger Warning: Autism Speaks, satire

  With great regard, I have heard that Geraldine Dawson, chief "science" officer of Autism Speaks has called it a "career".  I was hoping that they would replace her with a real science officer, like Zachary Quinto, Leonard Nimoy or a hologram of Spock.  (I would settle for a poster or action figure honestly)

   Disappointingly however, we shall get some guy named Robert Ring who was the vice president of translational research (WTF) to take her place.

   Mr. Ring has a big responsibility managing the $24 million dollars AS spends on "science" and not supporting Autistics and their families.  The anti vax movement has gotten stale.  Andrew Wakefield's fabricated data is so 1998!

   I would like to help Mr. Ring bring Autism Speaks into the still kinda newish millenium with some new and exciting woo and fabricated data.  My fabricated data to be exact.

   I have a lab coat and my TI-82 graphing calculator I used in high school.  My dataz look legitimate and presentable. I have found that vapors from the fecal matter of a certain mixed breed of the species Canis Lupus Familiaris  (Chiwawa and Shih Tzu to be exact) inhaled in combination with the polluted sulfuric dew that falls in the vicinity of most urban and suburban populations causes teh autismz.  Here is my work.

   Embrace the opportunity!  Embrace the new fear and hysteria.  These dataz can be your biggest hit since "Autism Every Day" back in '09.  You can advocate for animal control!  You can spread your message to dog owners and finally get them to scoop their dog crap off the sidewalk.  You can logically correlate to the public the rise of autism diagnosis to the chiwawa fad of the late 90s , and away from real causes like changes in diagnostic criteria .  You can blame turn of the millenium Taco Bell advertising for creating the autistic tsunami.  You can further villify Paris Hilton.  You can further villify anti green Republicans.  You can advocate for sleeping in until long after the morning dew evaporates.  12-8 can be the new American work day, courtesy of Autism Speaks!  This can be a PR windfall.  

   My dataz will be questioned instantly by the scientific community and the kindergarten student community from day 1.  It will be completely disproven about an hour later on day 1.  Don't worry though Mr Ring.  You can roll with it for at least 5 years.  Maybe even milk a decade or more out of it like with the vaccines. 
The donations will roll in.  The New York Giants and some other sports clubs will wear blue all the time in honor of Autism Speaks.  Your legacy will be set.   

   Please please please please consider my quackery and nonsense over Jenny McCarthy's when setting the new future for the Autism Speaks "science" division.  

(Or you can invest the millions in real support for Autistics and real research, but that idea is probably as far fetched as my fabricated data)  

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