Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The wrong path

  I had a plan for this month.  I planned on writing at least a dozen scathing posts against Autism Speaks.  I planned on criticizing any negative piece of media against autism I could find.  I planned on dropping scathing, sarcastic, vicious, merciless pieces of literature all over my blog and anywhere I could.  That's the kind of awareness I was acting for.  Be aware of the autistic ass kicking that awaits around the corner.  Accepting autism is a better choice than having me appear as a commenter on your story or blogging about it. 

   I was becoming quite the activist in real life too.  I have a co worker I have had an up and down work relationship with for 4 years.  Not many people at work like this person.  Usually it is for a legitimate reason.  She does some things that aren't cool.  Like racially loaded comments, blatant harassment and occasional violence.  She hit me once, a long time ago which is funny since I am 3 times her size (I laughed at her at the time).  And she tossed a chair in the vicinity of a coworker a few years ago.

   I decided I was not going to compromise with this person or situation anymore.  I increased my rate of complaints against her and took them to the highest levels.  I confronted her in a direct manner every time she did something offensive immediately.  I spoke openly to management about their disregard towards my situation and our problems with her over the years.  I told them about how  they violated my employee rights with their voluntary ignorance and how I demand to work in another store if they wont rectify the situation.  I threatened with action daily, and spent a lot of my recharge time actually doing it.   Better to be feared than loved.  Fight the power became my credo.

   Through this type of aggressive self advocacy I became a stronger person, right?

   No.

   Through this aggressive behavior, I had the return of panic attacks and anxiety the likes of which I have not felt in a decade.  The kind of attacks that led me to quit my job and shut down 7 years ago.  Customers and people I know approached me and others in concern over my foul demeanor.  My habitat, autistic enough as it is fell into complete decay.  Housemates noticed that I did not look well and that I was avoiding them even more than usual.  I had several meltdowns at work, something which was not a huge issue for me the last few years.  I have experienced nightmares, headaches and symptoms of high blood pressure.  I even did something self injurous in plain sight.

  Almost all of my blog posts have been written out, checked and double checked and thought twice over before I posted them.  Until this one, which in a moment of rage after reading the article I wrote and posted over the time span of 10 minutes.  Read the commentary, where it is pointed out that I missed a lot of positive in the article (he's right).

   This kind of advocacy accomplished nothing except establishing to the world that I am enraged, pissy and at wits end.

   I am lucky to still be employed.  Then again at my job they don't care what kind of an attitude you have when you show up, as long as you are willing to show up.  Which also explains why my co worker is still there. 

   I did more damage to myself than to my enemy.  I used fear and intimidation to give me power, to get my way.  Just as fear and intimidation were used against me.  I did not forgive mistakes, just as mine are not forgiven.  I beat her at her own game.  I wielded the master's tools.  I lowered myself.

   I need justice, not revenge.  Love, not hatred.  I examined what I was doing with my time.  Particularly spending it on complaining to HR at work and on the internet searching for more nasty things about my newly discovered neurotype that people say and raging against them. 

   I am not going to change my situation at work, and she is not going anywhere.  She is very mindful not to offend me at the moment.  But in the long run, I doubt it will change, because I cannot change her.  I can only take further action to strip her of her ability to provide for her family.  Or I can look for a better situation for myself.  Perhaps a new job with less chaos is out there for me.  It is certainly less stressful to look for new possibilities in life than writing and calling the HR department and whining to managers.

   I am not going to serve any Autistics or change anyone's mind by returning hatred to sender, possibly doubled over.  The solution to negativity in my life is not to become more negative. 

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