Coming face to face with the truth of my asperger's syndrome hasn't set me free. It just made me aware of the leash I am on. It is easy to make pretend that you are free when you are on a leash tied to a pole in the middle of the yard, and you make no attempt to jump the fence.
The problem is, I am not so content to sit in this yard anymore and scratch myself. My thoughts, ideas and visions are wasted..and I know it. With every interaction I have with people now, the anxiety I had learned to ignore has returned. Did I communicate properly? Did this person like me? Was I a jerk? For the last few weeks I have found myself missing the false confidence I had with people.
There was a sign of improvement yesterday. My anxiety ceased, and I was able to use some of my pre-programmed chat skills again. I have much anxiety, because my entire existence up to this point had been based on the illusion that I am normal. An illusion I have spent a lot of time on. The root of discontentment is wasting valuable time.
When I was 12, I was walking my dog, Wendy. She was a sleek, strong and very, very fast dog with brown hair with spots and runs of black in it. Her muzzle was grayed too at this point because she was getting old. I was walking her with a chain leash and a choke collar on a cold night sometime in winter...February now that I recall. She was trying to drag me through the parking lot and back into the apartment building. She knew supper was waiting. She pulled so hard that she snapped the chain leash. She ran free and galloped through the parking lot for a minute or two before returning to my side. I should have been concerned when she did this, I even thought I should be concerned, but I wasn't. I was proud of her.