Monday, October 21, 2013

NOXO Autism Aid....are you f*****g serious?

TW: Satire, curism, obligatory mention of Autism Speaks
   Been a rough summer.  I'll get into that eventually.  But what inspired me to dust off this blog after uhhhhh... 4 months?  (seriously it feels like I made my last post yesterday).

  I woke up and checked my twitter feed for something to break me out of my morning doldrums.  Leyland quitting the Tigers..... /yawn?  Never liked him anyways.

  But what is this?

  Finally, the cure to all of my woes!  The answer to all of my questions, delivered to me in the form of a balm!  A magazine for autism parents has posted evidence of a cure for autism symptoms!  Must be legit! However, I had to investigate, I had to know for sure.

   The article on Yahoo finance the tweet tells us of how one mom used NOXO lip balm on her two autistic children.  She states that it makes them "mellow" and she was able to stand in a line with them at a fair.  It works for up to 5 hours! That's it!  One mom, two Autistic boys, one line at a fair.  TEH CURE!  That's all the information I should need.  Let's get this out to the world.

 "NOXO’s solution provides unprecedented hope for children and families affected by Autism. NOXO Autism Balm(TM) stops the frequency of behavioral issues that trouble children with sensitivities by stopping sensory issues including odors and inducing a calming effect. The Autism Balm provides quick relief to the overstimulated child and allows families to enjoy public settings with fewer worries.

NOXO Autism Balm(TM) is similar to a lip balm but is applied just below the nostrils on the upper lip. Allowing the natural formula to be inhaled and take effect. NOXO’s solution is safe, easy to apply and non-invasive. It works on your body’s natural processes and responses. It is the first successful product to address behavioral issues triggered by sensitivities."

  That's great!  No more awkward stimming.  No more stares and chuckles.  I have been freed of my naughty, perverse nature at last.  All I have to do is put on some of this lip balm.

  But wait....damn you autism, damn you cynical, anxious nature.  Damn you all to hell.  I must know.  What are the wondrous natural ingredients of NOXO?  Where is the science and the studies behind it all.  Surely they exist!  Yahoo finance posted this article, and an autism mag.  It must be true.  They even provided a link to their website for more info.  

  Uhh waiit.  OK, their "wellness" solutions are "based on Nobel Prize science".  What Nobel Prize and what science pray tell?
  We have more statistical evidence that seems to suggest that the makers of NOXO Autism Balm have, in fact clicked on the front page of Autism Speaks website.
  1/88 ......Check
  2 million Americans..... Check
  Hypersensitivity.... Check
  Good job folks!  I was hoping for more information though.  Like the studies and research that shows that the product works.  

 Never mind that.  NOXO was developed by a biochemist and formal Naval commander that has been developing......wait.  No it wasn't!  Lets read this paragraph carefully.

   Advanced biochemist and former Naval Commander, Dr. V. Ruth Pinney was tasked with developing an alternative to Tear Gas for crowd dispersal. With the development of this “Stink Bomb” came the need for our own forces to have odor protection and be able to be effective in controlling dangerous crowds. The result was Noxo Odor Defense Pro™ and NOXO Autism Aid™, now in its fourth generation; More powerful than ever before for personal use under the nose and other inconspicuous places, it's odor protection that travels with you. NOXO has been providing people with protection against odors since 9/11
  Lets summarize.  A Naval scientist invented a stink bomb as an alternative to using very harmful tear gas for crowd dispersal situations.  NOXO developed a balm that supposedly counteracts the effect of this stink bomb, then engineered it into a panacea that will prevent Autism stimming.  A decorated Naval biochemist did not invent NOXO Autism Aid according to this article.  Just want to have that clear.  

  My heart sinks to the floor.  My hopes beginning to dash.  No study, no science, no information.  Just carefully hidden woo.  What are the ingredients?  Perhaps I could investigate what makes up NOXO on my own to salvage the possibility of a purchase.

   Ingredients: A special proprietary formulation of Phytonutrients and Phytochemicals taken from plants, flowers, roots and seeds. All ingredients are in a medical grade Petrolatum base that is FDA approved. 

  In other words....none of your damn business what your putting on your kids' lips.  But the petrolatum that carries the Colonel's secret recipe of herbs and spices is FDA approved. My soul shatters, my wallet closes and I am resigned to another day of flapping and fidgeting at the train station.

   In all seriousness, Autism Parenting Magazine should be ashamed of themselves for tweeting this worthless crap on desperate misinformed parents.