Thursday, June 20, 2013

Bill of Rights (2013 edition)

Amendment I - Congress shall make no law prohibiting the freedom to write in a diary, and to keep such diary in a safe or stored under a mattress.  All electronic communication and public speech shall be monitored, edited, removed, and seized at the leisure of and for the use of Congress or any registered incorporated entity. Congress shall make no effort to approve a permit to peacefully assemble and shall dismiss all petitions to the Government for a redress of grievances, especially from

Amendment II - A well regulated militia, no longer being necessary for the security of this utopian State, the right of the people to keep and bear water based arms (super soakers and balloons) and plastic cutlery for the use of nutritional intake shall not be infringed.  All obsolete arms and metal kitchen utensils shall be seized. 

Amendment III - No Soldier shall in time of peace receive pay or medical benefits for injury inflicted in time of war.

Amendment IV -The right of law enforcement to be secure in their seizure of persons, houses, papers, effects and electronic devices and communications, and to search and seize for any reason, shall not be violated, Warrant shall be issued, for any cause, supported by oath or affirmation via text message or Twitter from a Judge of the Law, paralegal under employment or any spouse or child or person with access to the electronic communication of the Judge, and not particularly describing anything specific.

     Example: Officer: @Judge OMG i c ppl flapping in store
                      Judge: @Officer WTF?!?

Legal Warrant and permission to use force granted.

Amendment V - No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a mass media organization (CNN, Fox, Viacom, Time Warner, Disney), except in cases arising in the land or naval forces where they will be held indefinitely without trial or publicity.  Any person shall be put in jeopardy of loss of life and limb repeatedly by mass media until found guilty in a Court of Law.  Life, liberty and property may be taken with no process of law.  Private property shall be taken for public use (such as cell towers and parking lots) with no compensation.

Amendment VI - In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy free food, digital cable, broadband internet and conjugal visits during their delayed and publically televised trial, by a racially and gender biased Jury of the State in a financially privileged district in the somewhat general vicinity of where the crime was committed, to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for eliminating or bribing witnesses to his favor; to have public Counsel file his guilty plea for him should he be unable to afford private Counsel.

Amendment VII - In suits of common law, where the value in controversy exceeds twenty dollars, the right to trial by jury shall be preserved, and no judgement rewarded by jury shall ever be paid, as the defendant enjoys his right to unlimited appeals, rescheduling and bankruptcy protection.

Amendment VIII - Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted on any citizen of high public regard, with personal wealth exceeding one million dollars and or having been granted a celebrity reputation by mass media. 

Amendment IX - The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people as much as possible.

Amendment X - The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for local law enforcement respectively, or to the media.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Fun with Fabricated Data!

Trigger Warning: Autism Speaks, satire

  With great regard, I have heard that Geraldine Dawson, chief "science" officer of Autism Speaks has called it a "career".  I was hoping that they would replace her with a real science officer, like Zachary Quinto, Leonard Nimoy or a hologram of Spock.  (I would settle for a poster or action figure honestly)

   Disappointingly however, we shall get some guy named Robert Ring who was the vice president of translational research (WTF) to take her place.

   Mr. Ring has a big responsibility managing the $24 million dollars AS spends on "science" and not supporting Autistics and their families.  The anti vax movement has gotten stale.  Andrew Wakefield's fabricated data is so 1998!

   I would like to help Mr. Ring bring Autism Speaks into the still kinda newish millenium with some new and exciting woo and fabricated data.  My fabricated data to be exact.

   I have a lab coat and my TI-82 graphing calculator I used in high school.  My dataz look legitimate and presentable. I have found that vapors from the fecal matter of a certain mixed breed of the species Canis Lupus Familiaris  (Chiwawa and Shih Tzu to be exact) inhaled in combination with the polluted sulfuric dew that falls in the vicinity of most urban and suburban populations causes teh autismz.  Here is my work.

   Embrace the opportunity!  Embrace the new fear and hysteria.  These dataz can be your biggest hit since "Autism Every Day" back in '09.  You can advocate for animal control!  You can spread your message to dog owners and finally get them to scoop their dog crap off the sidewalk.  You can logically correlate to the public the rise of autism diagnosis to the chiwawa fad of the late 90s , and away from real causes like changes in diagnostic criteria .  You can blame turn of the millenium Taco Bell advertising for creating the autistic tsunami.  You can further villify Paris Hilton.  You can further villify anti green Republicans.  You can advocate for sleeping in until long after the morning dew evaporates.  12-8 can be the new American work day, courtesy of Autism Speaks!  This can be a PR windfall.  

   My dataz will be questioned instantly by the scientific community and the kindergarten student community from day 1.  It will be completely disproven about an hour later on day 1.  Don't worry though Mr Ring.  You can roll with it for at least 5 years.  Maybe even milk a decade or more out of it like with the vaccines. 
The donations will roll in.  The New York Giants and some other sports clubs will wear blue all the time in honor of Autism Speaks.  Your legacy will be set.   

   Please please please please consider my quackery and nonsense over Jenny McCarthy's when setting the new future for the Autism Speaks "science" division.  

(Or you can invest the millions in real support for Autistics and real research, but that idea is probably as far fetched as my fabricated data)  

Monday, June 10, 2013

Let's face it, I'm Depressed

  Trigger Warning: Autism Speaks, ableism

   My enthusiasm for blogging, as well as most of my other personal goals have vanished since mid April.  This is a repeating pattern in my life time and time again.  Socially I have completely cut my self off.  I started playing an MMO regularly again, and I don't even communicate in the game.  I just soloed my way to max level, playing the game the way I autistically live my life.  There, doing my own thing, surviving, but not a part of the community.

   I have become a work bot, despite the fact that my work is not a pleasant place.  My day is: Wake up, make the excuse to not work out, avoid housemates at all costs,  go to work, suffer but function, return home making the excuse to skip the gym and skip whatever else I need to do on the way, play game and go to bed.  Rinse and repeat, 6 days a week.  On the seventh day I rest.  Not like God, but like a sloth.  No laundry, no cleaning, no exercise, no family, no friends.

   Every day I am surrounded by ableism.  Ableism that has always been there and that I did not see.  That I cannot unsee.  A female coworker I once had a crush on made a comment that she doesn't like a customer known to be autistic.  The exact conversation as follows.

  Coworker: "I don't like her, she won't make eye contact with me"
  Boss: "Its a part of her disease"

   I want to scream, but I need my job.  My coworkers, my only human contact at this point in my life hate me and they don't even know it.  The world hates me because its been taught to.  The hatred is everywhere.  The fear is everywhere.  This crap is everywhere.

   I see it in parks, on peoples lawns, at highway access ramps, on bumpers.  It's always been there.  My coworkers are ableist, my family is ableist, most of the humans I come in contact with are ableist.  And because I am presumed weird but neurotypical, because I hide so well, I am expected to participate in the ableism.  My kindness and patience towards people who are neurologically different as of late has been noted and critiqued.  

  I am alone.  And I find it harder and harder to do what I need to do to survive every day.  I have always found it hard.  I cling to the belief that I will shake it off.  Just like I tried to shake off flu like symptoms 7 years ago and wound up on life support.  Just like I tried to shake off a large unhealing wound on my leg for a year and wound up on disability for 3 months.  

   I can't shake this off.  I don't know how many more "shake offs" I will survive.  I could use friends right now.  Ones that don't require a neurotypical performance.  I've never said that before.  I've always insisted that I need no one.